Build a Better Date Night

Build a Better Date Night

Feature from "Good Housekeeping" MagazineBy Sarah Mahoney

Whether your trysts are regular or once in a blue moon, you can rev up your romantic routine. For more great dates, check out these 7 fun ideas.



Tell the truth: Did your date nights vanish years ago, along with sleeping in, Sunday brunches, and reading the newspaper over coffee? Or have they become as stale as, well, 15 years of the missionary position?

In either case, you're due for a refresher. Couples should give special time together a high priority, because it not only helps you stay connected, the latest research reports, but it also makes both partners happier. "Date night is one of the best ways couples have to pull back from the fray and remember there's an 'us' hidden in the swirl of their daily lives — and really focus on maintaining and celebrating their connection to each other," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a sociology professor at the University of Washington in Seattle and relationship expert from perfectmatch.com.

To help keep your marriage strong, date night should be fun — of course — but you should also make it novel in some way, or you'll grow bored with your time together and, possibly, with each other, says Arthur Aron, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the State University of New York at Stony Brook who researches couples' interactions. That doesn't mean that you have to give up your beloved French film nights or ballroom dancing sessions and start bungee jumping just for the sake of novelty. Rather, you should simply make the effort to think creatively about how to spend your time together. "My wife and I love the ballet," says Aron, "and my sister gave us a backstage tour at the local dance company, so we got a different perspective on something we already enjoy."

To discover how to spice up date nights, we found three couples who faced challenges and asked them to road-test expert fix-it advice. Read on to see what worked — and why.

The Kitchen Cure
Names: Nina and Jayme Deibler

Hometown: Pittsburgh

Married: 4 years; she's 37, he's 38

Kids: A daughter, 2

Their challenge: Making date night happen at all

"My husband and I used to have great dates," Nina says. "We both love good food, and we'd often spend five or six hours cooking and experimenting with different wines."

But since their daughter was born, finding couple time has gotten harder. "I travel frequently for my job, and Jayme often works evenings and weekends," she says. "So when we do have a few hours, we usually want to spend them with our daughter."

"Working parents worry that time spent as a couple subtracts from time spent with their kids," explains Schwartz. "But when couples feel guilty leaving a child with a sitter, I tell them, 'This isn't selfish, it's protecting both your marriage and your family.'"

Expert Makeover

"It's great that these two have such a strong common interest," says James M. Graham, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at Western Washington University in Bellingham. "I'd like them to indulge their passions in a project they can finish in a few hours — one with a unique twist. Experimenting together makes a date more satisfying, just as team-building exercises draw people closer."

When a couple has to overcome a new challenge, their sense of accomplishment after they succeed is magnified. "Dates that allow that kind of growth let you surprise yourself and your partner," he says, "and see each other in a new light." Just keep changes and challenges moderate. "This should be fun, not traumatic."

The Deiblers decided to try making sushi — a dish they love in restaurants but had never prepared themselves. They bought the basic equipment (including a book of instructions) at a favorite cooking store and arranged for Nina's mom to take care of their toddler for a few hours.

The verdict: A huge hit

Her take: "The expert really nailed it when he suggested a project for us — this was great. And it was a challenge: The rice had to be just the right temperature, and some of the chopping and rolling was tricky. We did need the time without our daughter, but several of my neighbors want to trade babysitting so we can all have date nights. I found this experience very inspiring — it made me feel like we were dating again. Next time, I want to try cooking Indian food."

His take: "The food turned out really well, and we had the kind of fun we haven't for ages. It reminded me how good we are at working together and how we complement each other: Nina did the organizing and the shopping, and got the rice going. Then we took turns chopping and wrapping, tasting as we went along. And because we did it all between 5 and 7:30, we are confident now that we can make something like this happen at least every other week."

5-Minute Fixes
Names: Cate and Dan Adams

Hometown: Salt Lake City

Married: 18 years; both are 49

Kids: Twin girls, 16

Their challenge: Making limited time together feel meaningful

"We've always tried to do date nights, even before we had kids," says Cate. "Then, after the girls were born, we didn't go out often. Now that they're older, we both work full-time and still don't go out much.

"After our last anniversary, we decided that we'd try to spend five minutes each day just talking and connecting. And it's helped. But we'd like to find a way to make that time more special."
Expert Makeover

The experts loved the five-minute ritual, which eases the scheduling pressure that prevents many date nights from happening at all. But Schwartz advised the Adamses to expand beyond their "How was your day?" conversations and get creative. She suggested that they develop ways to mix it up by brainstorming together and surprising each other. She emphasizes that no one, including the Adamses, should feel pressured to come up with something novel for every single date. There's nothing wrong with what the two do now: chat in the kitchen while Dan does the dishes. But sharing a glass of wine, going for a short walk, or just sitting on the deck once a week can make those few moments feel more special.

The overachieving couple decided that they would come up with something different to do every single day for an entire week. One night, they traded foot massages. The next, Cate asked Dan to show her how to fix a flat tire on her bicycle. Another evening, each drew a picture of the best thing that happened to them that day. And one night, after Dan noticed someone selling weird-looking rocks on eBay, they raced down to the creek that runs through their backyard to see who could find the most eBay-worthy stones.

The verdict: Sure, it was nice, but enough already!

Her take: "The night we brainstormed was funny, and we laughed a lot throughout the week. But the best part, honestly, was all the talking we did while we were doing these things. In almost every case, we wound up spending much longer than five minutes, and it was good to realize we could make that much time for each other."

His take: "We had some fun with this, but I missed the quietness — and the spontaneity — of just being able to sit down and talk with Cate and decompress. And having to think of something new to do every night just wouldn't be sustainable in the long run, obviously. But I can see doing something special more often than we do now."

The Active Answer
Names: Camille and Kent Boskovich

Hometown: La Grange, IL

Married: 22 years; both are 47

Kids: A son, 19, and a daughter, 17

Their challenge: Spicing up their tried-and-true routine

These two spend plenty of time together — and enjoy it. They work out at the same gym, they have dinner out once a week, and they often spend weekends driving to their daughter's hockey tournaments in other cities.

Still, "our dates are pretty boring," Camille says. And while they enjoy elaborate events — from opera to White Sox games — they're looking for date ideas that don't take much advance scheduling.

Dating can be complex for couples like this, as they anticipate an empty house — and a kid-less social calendar. Even people with common interests, like these two, need to expand their dating repertoire, says Aron. He advised them to explore more in the fitness realm. They already enjoy it, and his research shows that couples typically find shared physical activity one of the best ways to bond. Aron actually persuaded spouses to Velcro themselves together and crawl across gym mats — and found that it made them feel more in love than they had before this unusual exercise.

"It's really important that they pick something they're both new to," he says — maybe a swing-dance class or snowshoeing. But they shouldn't worry that every activity has to be a perfect fit, says Schwartz. "Think of yourself as an anthropologist doing research, and remember, if you don't like it, you don't have to try it again," she says. Plus, even a bad date can be a good bonding experience and provide a couple with a shared memory to laugh about later.

After looking at their options, Camille and Kent tried a fitness yoga class at their health club: She had taken a few classes in the past but was still a novice, and he had always been interested in giving it a go.

The verdict: Mixed reviews but headed in the right direction

Her take: "I was surprised Kent was game to try this, but it was really great. The instructor asked us to do some tough poses, and Kent kept shooting me a look like, 'Are you kidding me?' On the one hand, I worried that he wasn't enjoying it that much. On the other, it was funny — and it really felt good to do something besides going out to dinner, especially something physical and healthy. So this inspired us: We're going to do a few sessions with a trainer next."

His take: "Honestly, is this a better date than going out for dinner and sharing a bottle of wine? No way. But that said, it was OK, and I would try it again. I'm looking forward to the training sessions. I'm a treadmill guy, so it'll be good to add weights — and fun to do it with my wife."



Originally published on January 15, 2009